When Agency Feels Injured

When it comes to a wandering mind, we often struggle.

We lose things. We drop things. We lock ourselves out of the house. We dive deep but then disconnect. We wade through scatter. We can do well here, but not there, but only today, and not tomorrow, and not yesterday, and it’s not clear why.

Through these repeated gaffs and stumbles, many of us begin to believe that something is wrong with us. Throughout we may well fear that were we to decide, we may well choose poorly.

It’s difficult to compete with these direct experiences that seem to tell us so. When we struggle to get things done while others nearby appear to make their calls, do their work, and get to things they enjoy with little difficulty, we can wonder, “What gives?”

The Weight of “Why Can’t You Just…?”

Well meaning others, alongside our own internal voice, may even point out our problems and ask,

“Why can’t you just…?”

We lose trust in ourselves, and more specifically, in our sense of agency, our ability to decide and engage non-reactively.

In other words, this core sense of agency, becomes raw, injured, and hurt.

“Why can’t you just!” statements, only reinforce this injury.

Reframing Demand Avoidance

When we tell ourselves or hear from others to do the laundry, the taxes, the whatever– and then some sensation holds us back, what is that?

Some call it “demand avoidance” or “pathological demand avoidance.”

Author Megan Anna Neff has a well-considered article on her blog, Neurodivergent Insights, in which she makes a case for calling it “Pervasive Drive for Autonomy.”

Core is the feeling “I don’t want to,” or its close cousin “I can’t be bothered.”

When I hear these phrases, from others or my self, I hear it as a cry of injured agency, the skill and degree to which we can decide and engage non-reactively.

Agency is not all-or-nothing; it’s something we can nurture, even in small moments.

Consider, if you notice that “I can’t be bothered” feeling today, try pausing for a moment.  Can you be with the materials of the work for even a moment? If so, what are the sensations that come to mind? Whether you do or do not do something is less the issue than building the sense that you can decide meaningfully for yourself.

• Kourosh

PS In the next post, we’ll take a closer look at when that inner self yells, “no!”